Sober

Sitting in my room, I feel awake for the first time but in a way always trapped. I've realized it is something that I have been feeling since at young age; a simple dark paradise. I was never alarmed by it because I had always considered it to be the norm. The second half of the year has been one of the darkest times of my life. I feel absolutely dead inside, numb to everything. I have done drastic things and put myself in situations that I know are stupid, so I can somehow wake myself inside. Happiness was luxury that I did not have and easily fleeting. I partied and did drugs as a way not to feel. I now understand that some things that I have done were mistakes that were beautiful addictions. Mistakes that I knew were the end of me, but emptily did not care. A simple and silent existence. A way of shutting down when the heart tells the mind “I am sorry, this time No.”